Some days this is all I can see, all I can feel and all I can believe.
Why must we go on this journey through life without complete freedom? When I say freedom I don't mean from people or responsibilities per se, I just mean why can I not find peace?
I am, some would say, a melodramatic person but me, I like to give that a nice spin; that means I'm passionate with and about everything. When the day is going well, it's the greatest day anyone has ever had in the history of this planet. When my day is going bad it's the worst. It is full of tears, tantrums and rain clouds and no one has ever experienced the pain I'm currently feeling but that is just me.
From my previous post you will tell I love my job. LOVE IT. Every aspect. When I write an email I do it using every single finger to type. I feel the words flowing from my brain into my fingers. I read and reread just to make sure it sounds how I wanted it to. When I speak with candidates, colleagues and clients I give them little snippets into my life, personal information that I may not share with my close friends but just because they are of course the people I spend the majority of my day happily speaking to.
My family - well holy moly. I freaking adore these people. My mother and I have a bond like no other. If you asked her to reflect back to a time in my mid teens she would probably flinch away from the thought. "I'm sure everything will work out fine one day, she's just a teenager" people would say but I wasn't just a teenager I was a massive pain in her derriere. A pain her and my father had done nothing to deserve. Frustrated and confused for many years they stood by me and now I can appreciate that. They love me with every ounce of their being. I know they will always be there for me to rely on, without question and judgement (unfortunately without opinion is not the case). Outside passersby are always quite baffled by our relationships. I know when my brother met my now Sister-in-law she couldn't quite comprehend why as a family we openly choose to spend so much time together. The bond is so tight people often cannot dissect the reason behind it. She is now one of those people on the inside, my sister by choice not by force.
I have two children. Cherub like creatures in my eyes, incomparable to any other being on this planet (other than my nephew). Their beauty, people do not deserve to see, incredibly funny in their own ways with personalities people would die to have. They are my reason, I think of them and my lungs inflate and the clouds disappear. The love I witness them share for each other only increases my love for them. I pray for them daily, I pray for peace in this world so they do not have to grow up fearing for their children's lives as I have to.
My fiancé, my Adonis and the god like creature who gave me such an incredible family. I use to envy couples who looked half in love as we are. He is how my heart continues to beat. When I felt like quitting - having a major Hmmph patch he picked me up, not just picked me up he threw me up, high into the air and chucked me on this unreachable pedestal. He made my black and white shine into massively bold bright colours that scream out at you. He created a life for me I could only have dreamed about previously. He taught me about self love, how to feel good about myself so I could feel good about others. A sceptic always, never wanting to marry nor have long term commitment he changed that. Now I am unable to bear a day without him by my side, happily planning a wedding, his soul untangling mine they now dance freely together. This is why he will forever be my soul mate.
So why, having this in its entirety do I still have Hmmph days? Why as a family do we sometimes feel that this bit of bad news will finally be the bit to crumble us down? Why having an argument with my partner do I feel sometimes 'Oh no, maybe that's it, he doesn't love me anymore?' That horrible work colleague that just makes you want to run away from your job or that conversation you are dreading having. Why when my son gets in trouble at school for damaging a water feature do I think he is damned and that actually I have spawned the devil and he will always be like that? Because this is NOT the case.
WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
This crap day at work, the job you didn't get, the sale that falls through, the news of bad health, the money issues, the horrible person that has to ruffle feathers sometimes just to ensure you haven't forgotten them. The argument over the annoying aunt you have to invite to the wedding, or the fact that the bin didn't get put out, or the homework book that didn't get handed in. These are not the end of the world.
I think if we all came more together as a family, as a network, a community, a country or even the world and realised we will get through this struggle. We may finally one day find peace.
I found this saying in a meme lately on my beloved Instagram and am now a firm believer....
"Don't pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one."